Five Functional Fashion Faux-Pas

...The alliteration stops here, I promise. 

Memorial Day Weekend is a few hours away, which means summer is officially here. Gladiator sandals, jumpsuits, over-the-knee socks... bring on the warm-weather fashion trends.  Let's take a look at five trends that would make our lives easier if they'd just hurry up and become trendy already.

 #1. Fanny Packs
I'll start with the most obvious choice -- the infamous fanny pack. Although the nomenclature hasn't evolved, the bag itself has. This unisex purse-meets-backpack is rarely worn on the actual fanny in the back -- it's much more stylish on your hip. Gone are the days when fanny packs are reserved for trips to Valleyfair or Como Zoo; with the recent  resurgence of the F.P. (thanks, hipsters!), you can find them en masse at your local Urban Outfitters or American Apparel. Bonus: they now come in many more varieties and colors than your standard black nylon. Regardless of the fashionable or unfashionable nature of the F.P., they sure are functional, giving you easy-access to your shit. Whether it's your ironic sunglasses & pack of cigs or your 75 SPF sunscreen & extra moist towelettes at the ready, the F.P. is there for you... and Chuck Norris.


#2. Croakies
Never forget!  Although still popular with fishermen, hunters, and just with dads in general, I would venture to say the sunglass strap, a.k.a. "the Croakie" is no longer in vogue in most social circles. This is not to say they don't serve their purpose; on the contrary, these bitches serve up extreme functionality. Attach one of these bad boys to your Ray Bans or your Oaklies (or Fauxklies for the more frugal among us) and fuggedaboutit. Don't worry about stretching out your shades with your big forehead. Stop checking your hair in that mirror. No need to hook your sunglasses on your Lacoste collar or shoving one sunglass arm into your cleavage. Excessively-sweaty? Who cares! Let those shades slide right off your face. Croakie's got your back.


#3. Cell Phone Belt Clip
Obama's doing it, so it must be cool. Or, at the very least, acceptable. Right? While I do not see the functionality of a cell phone clip for women (if you're not using a purse then you've got your fanny pack!), I do understand the appeal for men. I suppose the bluetooth ear piece isn't for everyone, and not everyone feels comfortable rocking the man-purse. And unless you're wearing cargo pants, some pockets just aren't big enough.  While I've owned both a fanny pack and a hot pink croakie in my day, I've never rocked the cell phone belt clip. Mostly because I usually don't wear belts. I did, however, own a transparent green beeper circa 1998 and I would clip that on the outside of my jeans... apparently to let people know how awesome I was. Never miss a call again with your cell phone just in reach. Make sure to pair this look with an equally un-cool obnoxious ringtone, and you're in business. Can we dig it? Yes we can!




#4. Comfortable Women's Shoes

"There's a Clarks to fit every lifestyle." Really? Is there?  I recently embarked on a journey to shoe stores around the Twin Cities metro, in search of a comfortable, yet fashionable, sandal. Really I was looking for a summer sandal in which I could handle an all-day Solera rooftop marathon (or the like).  You know... dancing shoes. Turns out, the shoe I had conjured up in my mind doesn't exist in reality. There are shoes for the fashion-conscious, with lots of bells and whistles  -- I think they're called 'embellishments' in the industry :) -- then there are shoes for waitresses, nurses, and other careers where you're on your feet all day.  And apparently, if you're on your feet all day, you could care less if you have an empty box of kleenex duct taped around your foot (just so long as it's comfy!), because there are no cute, comfortable shoes. Well, hold on. Let me clarify: They are few and far between. Some companies, such as Nine West or Liz Claiborne, make stylish shoes that are pretty comfortable. They're bearable to go out in, or walk around in, but give it a few hours and your dogs will be barking.  Shoes that cater to the older crowd that has traded cuteness for ultra-comfort, such as Clarks, Born, Naturalizer, what have you... well let's just say, when it comes to stylish shoes, they're trying, but not hard enough. Things would be so much easier for the fairer sex if, like Uggs did a few years ago, these kinds of shoes would just end up on runways as the "new hot thing this season." (Editor's note: I got a couple pairs of Aerosoles sandals, but the jury's still out.)


#5. Hoodless Sweatshirts

Since I've covered mostly summer fashions thus far, I figured I needed to round out my list with some winter apparel. And what's more comfortable on a cold day than throwing on a hoodie? I'll tell you what is: a non-hoodie. College kids have got it all wrong, man. Those hoods are obtrusive; they get all stiff and bunched up on the back of your neck. If you're thinking about wearing a winter coat on top of a hoodie, you'll need a buddy to help flatten the hood out over the coat's collar. You'll also need a coat that's sized appropriately, because that's a lot of extra material you're adding. Instead, let's go back to those Champion sweatshirts and just nix the hood. Who actually wears the hood up, anyway? These golden oldies could stand for a few improvements, though. Let's loosen up the cuffs so they don't cut off circulation; the neck opening could use a bit more elasticity, as well.  The popularity of ugly Christmas sweater parties (and again, the hipsters) have already started the Hoodless Sweatshirt Renaissance, so all we need to do is keep the dream alive.



Honorable Mentions

Visors: Sometimes sunglasses just don't cut it, and no one likes hat hair.

Biker Shorts: Arguably one of the least-flattering fashions of the last century, they still served their purpose. After all, leggings aren't appropriate when it's 99% humidity in August.


Stirrup Leggings: You pull up the waistband, your leggings become capris. Which is fine if you're wearing heels, but not so great if you're wearing boots or booties. Unless this is the Victoria era and a flash of ankle is scandalously sexual.

Umbros: Easy, breezy, not-so-beautiful.